lonelily/glub-glub

It really is never going to happen for me.
"It happens when you're not looking."
Bullshit.  Complete and total bullshit.  I spend the vast majority of my time not looking.  It is just those rare moments when someone sparks my interest that I look.  What the hell is the harm in that?  Furtive Glances.  I wish that furtive implied furry.  Furry Glances.  Looking at someone like an animal.  Preferably a tiger.  I have been very into tigers lately.  I blame Richard Parker.  And my hat.

Tigers don't have problems like this.  I don't understand why I have problems like this.  Actually, I do. I am painfully shy and awkward.  You need to come to me.   

I do not think I am terribly attractive or unattractive, but what does that even have to do with it?  Decidedly unattractive people have much better luck than me.  I want to just give up and never leave my room.  That's not really an option though. I need to not lose hope entirely.  Even though I am pretty sure I am nearly there. 

It's hard not to lose hope.  I guess you would have to be in my position to understand.  I am terrified it's all going to end before I experience something real.  At least if it does, I won't care--I won't even know; I won't even be.  If that is the way it is going to end up, I wish it would just hurry up and be done with.  

What's the point of waiting around for something that will never happen?  

"You don't need it to be happy."  

Bullshit.  Only people who have it or at least have had it say that.  I've never had it; I do need it.  At least once.  Even if it's only for a little while.  

It's not too much to want.  I am a fucking catch.  I am a fucking easy catch.  Very low maintenance.  Why does everyone throw me back before they even give me a chance?  I don't require all that much effort.  If nothing else, I could make for a good story.  There would be very little exaggeration required if you would just give me some time.  

Fillet me.  Gut me.  Do whatever you want to me.  

Just please, please don't throw me back there.  

I saw my Uncle Chris last night.
in a dream, that is. he passed away a few years ago, but last night he was here. well, his spirit was. my dream last night was one of the strangest and most amazing one's I've had in a long time. he came back for a visit, I suppose, in the dream. the circumstances are a bit muddy, but he was there despite the fact that he couldn't be. in the dream, this made me question everything I believed and made me so indescribably happy. I was led to believe that there is an afterlife in the dream. I know I only had it because of a movie I watched last night and a photograph of my cousin I saw yesterday, but I appreciated the dream so much. it was absolutely amazing to hear from my uncle again, even if it was just in my subconscious. I miss him so much. he was such an amazing guy and so much fun. people like him should not be allowed to die young. his sons and mother did not deserve to lose him. none of us deserved to lose him.
I wish I actually could believe in an afterlife. heaven would be a nice place for him to spend eternity.
I miss you, Uncle Chris.

I do not need people.

except for the ones who make good music. they can stay in my cds and computer. I would like to get far away from everyone else though. I aspire to be a hermit. a loner. an infinite amount of time to figure out me. I am a self-centered narcissistic so it would serve me well. I could be alone with my thoughts about me.  I might want to get a dog to amuse me. their love is something that lasts. they don't judge. they just want to be with you and be loved by you. why can't people be like dogs? why does everything have to be so confusing? if they were less confusing, I would focus less on me. I am someone I can at least hope to come close to figuring out. plus, if people were more straightforward with how they felt, it would matter less to me that they did not love unconditionally.
more people should explain why. even if all they say is that they have no idea. at least then you would know that they are just as confused as you are. I like the terms of all relationships (even including those with acquaintances) to be clearly defined. "I consider you to be my closest friend." "I have a lot of fun with you but don't connect with you on a really deep level." "I hope that one day we will be very close." "I do not anticipate this lasting."
I've always been this way. it was probably at it's worst in elementary school. my "best friend" became "best friends" with another girl, but she still falsely claimed to be my "best friend," too. we were still close (and still are), but the fact that what we were did not fit the definition of "best friends" really messed with my brain; it caused me a lot of strife.
maybe I just think and dwell too much. I don't anticipate that changing, though, so it would be really great if people could just accommodate for my neurosis and just clearly explain where they stand with me. it does not have to be said directly. just say something that let's me know clearly enough so that I do not start going grey trying to figure it out on my own. people are confusing.
are we friends again? can we be? I hope so. you're fun. and I am over my not-so-brief period of insanity.

vanity is so confusing.

Maybe people will believe the lie.
I wish I believed it.
Maybe I do.
Sorry.
Why the fuck does it matter?
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
                                 Never.

vain. vein. vane.
weather vanes. Let's go east. I miss the sun. I love the grey.
Chalkboards and veins. My two least favorite things. 
"Like sewing together two pieces of wet cheese." Thanks.


I count my steps a lot and usually don't realize I am doing it until I am already up to 50 or so.


Perhaps I should go beg for attention elsewhere.

                                                                 

"No, not really. It's more a need for sympathy. I want people to feel sorry for me. I like to feel the burn of the audience's eyes on me when I'm revealing all my darkest secrets into the microphone. When I was a kid I used to carry a safety pin around with me every where I went in my pocket, and when people weren't paying enough attention to me, I'd dig it into my arm until I started crying. Everyone would stop what they were doing and ask me what was the matter. I guess, I guess I kind of liked that."

"Really, you're telling me that you're doing all of this for attention?"


"No, I hate it when people look at me; I get nauseous. In fact, I could care less what people think about me. Do you feel that?"

we can discover the wonders of nature, rolling in the rushes down by the riverside.

my hiatus from facebook is making me post a lot more than usual. I suppose that is kind of unfortunate because they mean less this way. I am so tired. 


I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. that you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. or just not exist. or just not be aware that you do exist. or something like that. 


I've felt like that. I kind of feel like that now. life is boring me to pieces. I need a change. I need new experiences and new people. I am wilting. that's a good verb for me right now. I can't tell if I've been watered too much or too little. or maybe there just wasn't enough sun. I think that was it. I thrive in the sun. did you know that salvia does well in direct sunlight? it also has pretty flowers. that's weird to me. 
I just want to take a break until things get interesting again and people want to know me. if someone could wake me up when that happens, I would greatly appreciate it. I want to meet people and make friends. I fall in love with people everyday. I wish I could meet them. I can tell that I love them just by looking at them. I want to know them all. be their friend. I mostly like to reassure people. make them feel better. less alone. less crazy. less bad. except myself. I can rationalize things for everyone but myself. the rules don't apply to me. 
I know that it's time for sleep when my body feels far away. sometimes my legs are in australia and my head is in canada. my fingertips are in china and africa. 


let's get lost in the atlantic. would you like to do that with me? we could swim with the sharks and eat jellyfish. I just want to float away for a little bit.

a better place, a better time

This sums up how I feel right now. 

Does that make sense? Probably not. 

Twisted up with pretty (but grey) clouds on the beach with some garbage and a couple half-deflated balloons.

Does that make more sense? Probably not.

Confused but kind of okay with it.

That makes sense. Probably. 

forget and start again, love.

narcissism

I changed my pictures to ones I took with my shittyass film camera. I feel less like I am cheating that way. (I know you really care.)