Do you know what I find curious?
How I would rather feel terrible loud emotions
And not want to exist
Than pleasant quiet ones
And not consider my existence at all.

I feel like I am living my life in limbo. I keep waiting and waiting for things to change. Patience is a virtue. Being virtuous is overrated.
I want things to speed up so I can begin living again. Living seems like a foreign concept to me. My life has been moving in slow motion or reverse for so long. Stick. Stack. Stuck. Now there is plenty of wiggle room but nowhere to go.
The idea of life and space and freedom terrifies me to no end. They are unfamiliar. I want it, need it, but every time I think about it, I am scared shitless.
Goddamnit, I hope things get easier.

syrup

I think it is coming back.

It will be bad this winter. This seems like only the beginning. The dull ache that eats away at me. It can’t come back again. I want to bar the doors and throw the deadbolt, but it seems futile. Self medicating and going to sleep seems much easier than wrestling with the discomfort and unease. I can never quite pinpoint where it starts or stops. I can never quite tell what it is exactly. Constantly nagging at me whispering, barely audible, it breathes out terrible lies. Truths. It flits about; unable to be caught. Maybe I am just too sluggish to grab it, but it made me that way. The vicious cycle it sets off. Self perpetuating.

I wish that I could write about inspiring and insightful things again. Everything just seems so hard right now, and I hate it. I keep assuming that things have to turn around soon, but they don't. Things have been bad for almost two months now, and they seem to have only gotten worse. The "bad" things that happen to me have an impressive way of affecting areas of my life that I already have an incredibly difficult time with. Like how I feel worthless 99% of the time. I do not understand why anyone would genuinely want to know me. I do not give a shit if you say that is ridiculous, and I am an amazing person; it is how I feel. It is how I have always felt. It is probably how I will always feel. When someone enters my life and I actually believe they care about me, it's a big deal. If this person has to leave my life, I fall apart. If this person swears to me they will not leave but then does anyway, it's unbearable. I cannot even describe what happens inside me. It is much more than just being sad; I stop functioning. The reaction is physical and painful.
I thought I was done. I felt so much better. People were acting like they enjoyed my company and needed me. Then I was left alone. A lack of human contact sometimes messes with my head. They're not there so they must not care. I know it doesn't work like that, but someone needs to tell that to my serotonin levels.
Hopefully I will be able to convince myself everyone doesn't hate me tonight. That would be ideal.

Also, I am hoping that my posts will be more regular and less melodramatic after this. I finally have my computer back, and though it is lacking my hard drive, I have regular access to the internet again.

panic

my body--restless

things try to break out from me

they can't escape

clap your hands!

Nobody. No body. Nothing. No thing. 

Wonder what it's like to exist--

Not live life in limbo,

Wait and drift.

Brittle.

Let them make cracks.

Careless. 

Care less.

Fade out.

Exist

I feel like a motherfucking faucet.

I didn't know that this much water could come out of a person. everything about this sucks. even the fucking inkling of hope sucks. I don't deal well with grey; I either want some fucking closure or for it not to end. this is so stupid. things would be so much different if everything had just happened earlier. it would have worked, and I wouldn't need a fucking plumber to keep me from flooding the apartment. I had almost forgotten what it was like to be really truly sad. I stupidly hope that he realizes that we could work some day. I just want to know him. like really know him. I am sure there is something there, and I think he feels that, too. unless he is just lying to make himself feel like less of an asshole which is also very possible. I wish I could know for sure which one it is. I hate not knowing. I wish I could just fast forward and see where we end up. I could move on if I had to, but that is the last thing I want right now. nothing about this was done correctly.

I want a do-over.