I wish that I could write about inspiring and insightful things again. Everything just seems so hard right now, and I hate it. I keep assuming that things have to turn around soon, but they don't. Things have been bad for almost two months now, and they seem to have only gotten worse. The "bad" things that happen to me have an impressive way of affecting areas of my life that I already have an incredibly difficult time with. Like how I feel worthless 99% of the time. I do not understand why anyone would genuinely want to know me. I do not give a shit if you say that is ridiculous, and I am an amazing person; it is how I feel. It is how I have always felt. It is probably how I will always feel. When someone enters my life and I actually believe they care about me, it's a big deal. If this person has to leave my life, I fall apart. If this person swears to me they will not leave but then does anyway, it's unbearable. I cannot even describe what happens inside me. It is much more than just being sad; I stop functioning. The reaction is physical and painful.
I thought I was done. I felt so much better. People were acting like they enjoyed my company and needed me. Then I was left alone. A lack of human contact sometimes messes with my head. They're not there so they must not care. I know it doesn't work like that, but someone needs to tell that to my serotonin levels.
Hopefully I will be able to convince myself everyone doesn't hate me tonight. That would be ideal.
Also, I am hoping that my posts will be more regular and less melodramatic after this. I finally have my computer back, and though it is lacking my hard drive, I have regular access to the internet again.
