I feel like a motherfucking faucet.

I didn't know that this much water could come out of a person. everything about this sucks. even the fucking inkling of hope sucks. I don't deal well with grey; I either want some fucking closure or for it not to end. this is so stupid. things would be so much different if everything had just happened earlier. it would have worked, and I wouldn't need a fucking plumber to keep me from flooding the apartment. I had almost forgotten what it was like to be really truly sad. I stupidly hope that he realizes that we could work some day. I just want to know him. like really know him. I am sure there is something there, and I think he feels that, too. unless he is just lying to make himself feel like less of an asshole which is also very possible. I wish I could know for sure which one it is. I hate not knowing. I wish I could just fast forward and see where we end up. I could move on if I had to, but that is the last thing I want right now. nothing about this was done correctly.

I want a do-over.

fuck everything

of course it would end up like this. things never work out for me.

Things Written on the Wall Next to Me in My Lecture Hall

"Jesus rules Forever"
"S"
"BRIAN SCHEA IS VERY COOL" immediately followed by: "gay"
"vaginal lubrication feels awesome"

oh, college.

normality

this feeling is so bizarre. things feel right. things never feel right. it's a little scary. I'm glad it's not perfect. I would never believe it if it was perfect. who would have guessed that I would feel comfortable with someone so normal. it makes me so incredibly/confusingly happy. being happy feels weird. it's nice though. very nice. like I am bursting out of myself. I am exploding and am sent flying, but I think I am landing only slightly disheveled and with him. I am a mushroom cloud of contentedness.

and glitter.




BAM.