that should not be a reason to not write.
that should be a reason to write.
just I don't want to complain on here.
if I complain, it's real. I'm different. people will throw me pity parties. I don't do pity parties. I keep up the facade and paint on a smile. cheese.
I won't talk about that.
am I really special? I think I am. I deal with my shit and still keep up appearances. I still am a real person despite dealing with my shit. that can be hard. being a real person. I usually forget I am one. actually, I don't really think I am. I know I am, but I don't think I am. my friends tell me I have specific mannerisms that they have picked up and I am bewildered by that thought. I probably got them from other people.
me? I don't have any unique, definable qualities. I'm just a body. a chameleon who doesn't know who she is. a stupid chameleon. adapting to the current situation in the best way she can. you like sports? me too. you like art? me too. music? same. the thing is, it's never a lie. I really do like everything. it makes things confusing and convenient. I can get along with most people. I only have one real dislike: militant religion. especially christianity. it skeeves me out. keep your god to yourself, please. you can like him all you want. just leave me out of it. other than the super religious, I like everyone. the sluts. the prudes. the stoners. hippie. preppy. frat boy. anarchist. they all have qualities that I can identify with and love. some of the other stuff that I don't identify with (though there isn't much), I find fascinating. I'm not a real person. they are. if I learn enough about them enough, maybe I'll be a real person, too. that's my goal. to become real. to have someone recognize that I have my own qualities (even though I don't) and to like them. I want to be a worthwhile real person. though, I think everyone is worthwhile. (other than those crazy catholics.) I guess a real person would be enough. I would settle for being real. being real would be very nice.
Wow hats off proper open thoughts and the not being real thats something I can identify with.
ReplyDeletetake a look at "the sacred and the profane" by mircae eliade. you might find it kind of boring, but its definitely worth the read and its short. its about religion, but in my own pathetic summary of it, id say its about how mankind uses religion to attain a sense of reality. the basic idea is that the world in itself is just ambiguous, meaningless space and so in order to establish some sort of orientation in the world, people need a central value to which everything else can be relative. usually (historically), that central value is religion, i.e. "god is real, and i am a person of god therefore i am real, but those heathens over there are not real or special like me." its sounds kind of trivial and immature, but i tend to agree with him that people need to establish something, however arbitrary, in order to feel real. for those without religion, its some secular value like patriotism, or love or music or whatever youre passionate about. you have some really interesting thoughts though, id love to talk about it. ps sorry about creeping on your blog, it came up on my facebook so im hoping that kind of mediates the weirdness.
ReplyDelete-ben falandays
I think you and I are similar in the sense that being at home is terrible for our psyches, amongst other things. Today was filled with purely self-loathing and pity. I was a monumental complainer and hypocrite.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I feel like being home is one of the best, worst things I can do for myself.
rach, I don't really feel any different than I do at school. the only real difference is that I feel like I have time to post when I'm home. not that posting really takes a lot of time... oh well.
ReplyDeleteand thanks, ben. what you said makes a lot of sense. I probably won't end up reading that, but I get what you're saying. I just haven't found my niche yet. also, feel free to creep. I relish creepers on my blog. I mean, why would I have a blog if I wasn't a needy attention-whore? (that's sarcastic. but kind of true.)
im not sure that you need to "find" a niche as much as just recognize something already existing that directs who you are
ReplyDeletei'm not a blog member, but may i comment when a thought or two strikes me?
ReplyDelete