I thought I was better, but I'm not.
I'm just different now.
I seem to be hell-bent on destroying myself.

Things I Contemplate While Sewing Buttons

Why don’t people realize that we're all affected by our environments and things that happen? It’s naive to think that things have no lasting impact on people around you; that people will always be the same and that nothing can change them. It’s rude, and it's selfish. We’ve all got filters and things get through. Good things and bad things. Everyone processes their environment and is shaped by what they experience. Some people’s filters are really shitty and let a lot through. Some people's are less shitty, but everyone's lets some things through. You’re not the only one without a perfect filter. We all think that everyone else is equipped with some fucking shield that keeps the bad from getting through. And we all think that the good always gets through. It doesn't. Sometimes the bad clogs it up and won't let it get by. It’s all just a fucked up myth that we’ve created to save ourselves from feeling guilty. It needs to stop. Guilt is a good thing. It stops you from passively letting bad things get through other people's filters. We'd all be so much better off if we actually let ourselves feel guilty.

This is something that I would normally write in a journal, but I feel like I need someone to know how scared I am. I feel so alone.
The real reason why I am so terrified about this birthday is because I am afraid that I might mean I'm middle aged. This is not something that I can say out loud. No one I know could possibly understand how it feels to think their life might be halfway over at twenty, and if I did happen to know someone who understood, I wouldn't want to make them think about; it's definitely best not to dwell on it.
It's not that I'm terribly scared of dying, and another twenty years sounds good enough for me, but I feel so strange and disconnected from my peers. They don't think about these things. I don't want to be okay with this; I don't want to think about my life this way; I want to be wrong. I've been told that the statistics don't apply to me my whole life, but I can't believe it.
I'm not special. Nothing ever works out for me, so why should my longevity be an exception?
I have awful luck.
I really just hope I can have a couple more good decades.

my body sucks so hard, and I feel like adding things to it makes me hate it less for not functioning properly.
it's nice to have needles stuck in you for a purpose that you've chosen rather than to give yourself shots or prick your fingers or to have someone else give you shots or draw your blood or stab your fingertips.

thief

have you figured it out?
why I say such stupid things?
it’s because you took my brain
and hid it.