This is something that I would normally write in a journal, but I feel like I need someone to know how scared I am. I feel so alone.
The real reason why I am so terrified about this birthday is because I am afraid that I might mean I'm middle aged. This is not something that I can say out loud. No one I know could possibly understand how it feels to think their life might be halfway over at twenty, and if I did happen to know someone who understood, I wouldn't want to make them think about; it's definitely best not to dwell on it.
It's not that I'm terribly scared of dying, and another twenty years sounds good enough for me, but I feel so strange and disconnected from my peers. They don't think about these things. I don't want to be okay with this; I don't want to think about my life this way; I want to be wrong. I've been told that the statistics don't apply to me my whole life, but I can't believe it.
I'm not special. Nothing ever works out for me, so why should my longevity be an exception?
I have awful luck.
I really just hope I can have a couple more good decades.