I was probably a Tahitian grain of sand in a past life.

It's crazy to think about how everything we do has a reason; everything we do and everything that is done to us has an outcome.
I think things affect me more than they do for most people.  I think I am happy about that though.  It makes me realize things that not everyone else does.  It makes empathy easier.  I could empathize with a rock.

Currently, I am a bizarre mix of hope and hopelessness and apathy.  I find myself hoping, and then I realize it's only going to lead to hurting more when nothing happens, and then I realize there's no way to know whether or not something will happen.

I think that there are more reasons to hope than not.  At least I will have friends.  I will have friends.  That doesn't usually happen to me.  The vast majority of my life was spent without real friends.  I couldn't figure out how to make them stick.  I think people get tired of me.  I don't blame them.  There is nothing really worthwhile about me.
Except my exceptional knack for empathy.  And my alliteration skills.

And the fact that I want to know people.  Not just know them in the sense that I know there names, but I want to know them.  I can't connect with people who don't let me know who they are.  People without pretenses are the best.  Don't fucking hide from me.  It's stupid and will only make me frustrated.  If I can't figure you out, I will give up.  If I figure you out and you don't stop trying to hide, I will give up.

Maybe I got tired of them.

I try to be straightforward with who I am.  There is no sense in hiding it.  If someone doesn't like me for me, then so be it.  I do not need them.  But, they should like me considering I want to like them.

Even when I do have friends, It's rare that I don't question a friendship.  When I am friends with a person I genuinely like and admire I will never really believe that he or she actually likes or admires me too.  Is that normal?  I don't know.  Kelly didn't seem to think so.

If they don't like me, why should I be their friend?  Time to move on.  Again.


Waiting sucks.  I just want to know whether or not I have a reason to hope.
I probably don't.
I guess we'll see.

ba bah this is the sound of settling ba bah ba bah...