Monday, May 17, 2010

Is nothing real, or is it just that nothing matters?


 I don't know which it is, but either way, then why do I care do so much?  Why do I care at all?  I don't know why.  I just know that I do.  And I care a lot.  I wish I didn't.  I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't.  Would that be a good thing?  Would it be bad?  Who the hell knows.  I think I would like to care less.  Perhaps I will start.  What is there to lose?  Some dignity?  I don't think I have ever had that.  What good is it anyway.
Nothing matters.  Nothing is real.  It is all what we perceive it to be.

I WILL care less.  I am going to put some face at risk.

So why the fuck can't we be friends?  Why the fuck not?  It makes no sense to me.  I know I fucked things up a little bit and made things a bit weird, but I tried to fix it.  It could have been fixed.  It could have been something.  What it would have been, I have no idea.  A strange, unlikely friendship sounds like the most likely outcome.  Either way, it was your choice to give up.  I would not have chosen that.  I want to know you.  I want to know everyone.  I do not understand why you gave up.  Am I missing something?  It seemed stupid and arbitrary to me.  You seem like an incredibly interesting person.  We have a lot of things in common.
And besides that, in all honesty, I think I could be helpful to you.  Or at least, I think I understand.  Actually, I am nearly positive I understand.  Or at least I understand the main part of it.  Although, I do not understand why you can't be together.  That part I don't get.  Is there even a reason?
You don't make it very hard to get, but it seems to me that a lot of people are either too dense to notice or too preoccupied to with their own lives to care.  I fucking care.  I get that it fucking sucks.  I bet I could have helped if you let me show you I understood.  I understood what was going on with you before I had a reason to think there might be anything going on.  For some reason, I got it.  I wish you didn't stop things before they started.  I get things.  I hate that most people don't understand.
I realize I am overstepping lines here or whatever, but I don't know that I really care.
And by the way, that was the main reason why I stopped you.  There were other reasons, but mostly it was because I couldn't know that, pretend I didn't, and be okay with things.  But how the fuck was I supposed to tell you?  I wasn't supposed to know.  Or maybe I was.  You are very, very obvious about it.  You probably want everyone to know.  You want someone to care.  Maybe even someone to fix it.
I know that feeling.  I wish I could fix it for you.  I would like to help you try to fix it.

Or maybe I am all wrong.  I might be.  Maybe you do not want my help at all.  Maybe there is no real problem.  Maybe this is the only real problem.


Sorry if you end up reading this, understanding it and then promptly being freaked the fuck out.  I would not blame you.  Adding to the creep-factor, you should listen to "We Could Be Friends" by Freelance Whales.  It's a really nice song and kind of what made me want to write this.
I know this is not a normal thing to do.  I realize it is not socially acceptable.  You don't need to say anything to me if you read it and know it's about you.  If you feel like telling me to back the fuck off, that is fine too.  I am just done caring.
(And by "done caring" I mean "done caring at least while hiding on my blog.")



I hope you don't take this the wrong way.  Or the right way.  I don't know which would be worse.  I am very stupid.

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