3. Hello My Name Is: FRANK

Have you ever noticed that you were moving your hands like you were having an animated discussion, but in reality you were only having a conversation in your head? Like when you’re imagining having an intense argument with someone you're very mad at or with someone who is very mad at you. Even though it’s all in your head, your hands move like it’s not. And when you really see the person you were arguing with, despite all the clever quips you conjured up, the fight never happens. You realize it's not worth it. You don't really want to be upset with anyone. Maybe you love them. Maybe you just don't want to expend the effort. Maybe you're too much of a pussy to say how you really feel. Maybe they let you down and never start the fight.

I have those fights all the time. Mostly in the shower. They never come to fruition. Ever.

I also have the blunt say-what's-really-on-my-mind mental confrontations about other things too though.

Like. "Look you're really awesome, but you can't handle my weird. Or maybe it's that my weird can't handle you. You probably don't understand that, but basically, we will not work together. I am genuinely sorry." (I make adjectives nouns sometimes.)

Or. "I think we would fit well together. If you agree at all, give me a shot. If not, I'll live. Just let me know so I don't sit here thinking about what might happen if you think we could be a close match.”

I wonder what people would do if I actually said what was on my mind. Or if everyone said what was on their minds. 

I think it would be kind of beautiful. 

Everything would be so simple and straightforward. If you had an interest in someone, you would tell the person and he or she would tell you what his or her thoughts about it were. Right then. None of that “does-he-doesn’t-he” bullshit. That is by far the worst feeling I have ever experienced. Not knowing. If someone doesn’t like me, I can deal. I’m strong and fully capable of (mostly) moving on. I never like to fully move on just in case what if he changes his mind. I get myself to a healthy dealing place and stop there.

If someone I had a strong interest in at one point in my life decided that he liked me and I no longer had any feelings at all for him, I would be very sad and frustrated.

I move on enough that he doesn’t consume my thoughts and I can think about new boys. Maybe find one that likes me from the get-go.

I never find those unless I don’t like them to start with. It’s only the ones who I don’t consider options who like me. Usually if I am not very into someone when he express interest in me, it doesn’t work out. I get bored and move on. Or I actually develop an interest and he moves on. Whatever the exact scenario may be, for some reason it just never works.

I don’t think that would happen if people were upfront about their feelings more often. If someone I had never considered as a potential romantic partner told me he was kind of into me, and I thought it could possibly work despite never thinking about him before, I don’t think I would run away scared. And then I wouldn’t have to act as if I liked him or didn’t like him while I figured out my feelings. I could just let him know that I had never thought about it before.

I think he would understand. I know I would understand if someone had never thought about me in that way but was willing to feel it out. I would also understand if he ended up deciding it wouldn’t work. Then I could move on completely because I would know that he really did give it a shot and probably wouldn’t change his mind. My heart would be a lot lighter. Less weighted down with potential near-matches. 

That is the worst. Although sometimes having maybes is nice. That way all hope isn’t gone completely. It let’s you grasp at something when you feel like there’s nothing. It’s definitely not healthy, though. It’s delusional, that’s what it really is.

I mean of course the hope of “someday” might sometimes be valid, but the majority of the time, someday is never going to come.

I wonder if you asked a “maybe someday” boy if he really would admit to being one. That is, if he really was one. Maybe he wouldn’t know. In that case, you could continue hoping despite a direct “no.” That would be incredibly unhealthy. But you never really know for sure. No one does.

Feelings change. People change. Realizations happen.

I wonder if any of my near-matches feel the same way about me. I should send out a mass text. Or a mass email.

From:        Me

Subject:      Potential Matches

Date:       Right Now

To:             Him, Him, Him, Him, and Him

Hello. It’s Me. I think that there is a chance that you might possibly be a good match for me. Do you feel the same way? And if so, do you want to try us out, or do you think we would only work if something changed? Please reply at your nearest convenience. Thank you.

I really wish that I could just do that. Things would be so much easier.