I used to really like to hide. From myself, from other people. It’s the only way I knew how to get by. The only way I knew how to be strong. And I am very good at it. I used to compartmentalize all of my emotions and lock them away, opening as needed. Sometimes it got too hard and I forget to lock them away. Or they stayed open on their own. That was always the worst. It’s when I messed up the hiding that I get hurt.
But now, I’ve decided to let my love box be really open. In fact, I don't think it could stay shut anymore. It causes problems this way too, but at least now I know where they come from. I have more and less control. I have more control because I know that the box isn’t going to spring open when I don’t want it to; I have less because now I love everyone. I love people in romantic ways and in just normal people ways.
I guess there is probably too much love. If anyone who I loved in a romantic way knew it, they would probably be scared. I mean, how could I love them? I barely know them. Having someone love you is scary, I suppose. But I don’t love like that. It’s a subtle kind of love. More like a strong “I-really-think-we-might-be-matches-and-even-if-we’re-not-I’ll-still-love-you-as-a-person” kind of thing. That doesn’t seem scary to me. I don’t think I would mind if someone told me that. I think I would understand. And if I didn’t think that we were matches, I would tell them, they would move one, and we would just love each other as people.
I’ve started loving myself, too. That is a weird feeling. Have you ever loved yourself? It’s weird. I don’t love myself all the time, but when I do, I feel almost worthwhile. When I love myself, I feel like I deserve someone worthwhile to love me. But at the same time, I won’t feel really worthwhile until someone worthwhile actually loves me. I have learned to love my mind. Everyone should love his or her mind. It’s a beautiful thing. Everyone’s is. No exceptions. Not even the normal crazies. Their normal minds are beautiful, too.
I wish everyone would love freely. It would make the world a better place, and people would understand better. I wish more people understood.
They don’t though. People think that their emotions are the only complicated ones. That when they hurt someone, it is only because they had no other choice, or because it seemed like the right decision at the time. But when other people hurt someone, it is because they are inconsiderate jerks. Why don’t we understand other people’s motives? It seems so strange to me. I understand. Or at least I try to. Even when someone hurts me; throws my love back in my face. I try to understand why.
It helps me keep loving. Before I started letting myself love, I tried to understand so that I wouldn’t hurt. When things hurt, I have to hide the pain and that can be hard sometimes. It helped me to define things. Put them in the right boxes without trying too hard.
Now, understanding helps me to love everyone, no matter what. Everyone has motives. When you understand why people do things, you can understand them better. I think that once you understand a person, it’s really hard not to love them.
Everyone’s mind is beautiful. Sometimes it takes a little while to unravel a person’s mind, but once you do, it’s easy to love. When you love a person’s mind, you love that person.
I don’t believe in evil. I believe in lost, confused, insecure, stuck, and desperate. Never evil. I don’t think that people have the capacity to be truly evil. Unless they are psychopaths and don’t have feelings. But even then, they don’t mean to be evil. They can’t help it. You can’t really love them, though. Well, I suppose you could, but that love would be wasted and somewhat unwarranted because their minds don’t work like everyone’s. They don’t have emotions, so I don’t know if they necessarily deserve emotion. Their minds are beautiful, but not really loveable.
I wonder if life would be easier if I didn’t feel at all. Probably. It might help, too, if I let myself feel more emotions than just love. I am constantly focused on love because I hide away all the other feelings. This is good and bad. I suppose it makes me a bit obsessive, but then again, what is so bad about being obsessed with love? I think for now, I will leave my other emotions locked away. Buried deep. If I start thinking about them, I will be led down a bad road.
Now, I do feel other emotions, but usually only in the context of love. Sadness because someone broke my heart by not thinking we were a match before we could even try. Anger because someone who I think might be a match doesn’t give me a clear sign one way or another of what he thinks about us being a match. Fear right before I start trying to see if someone else might be a match. Happiness because I found out that I love a friend even more than I thought. It always comes back to love.
I also think about love in ways other than romance, which makes it almost okay that it is my only real emotion. I have found things that I love. Like activities. And friends. And animals. And colors. And ideas.
Even still, I guess it is not really a healthy way to live. But, it works for me. One day I might have to start thinking about other things. Today, however, I am content to only dwell on love. Everything else can stay in its appropriately marked box.
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