momentarily sane

I went crazy yesterday. it's been happening a lot lately.
this trip to crazyville ended up leading to some good things, though. namely, I came to the realization that I am a control freak. a very laid back control freak, mind you, but I need to know where things stand in relation to my life at all times, or I apparently lose my shit. when things are muddy and undefined I freak the fuck out. I don't need things to change, I just need to know what's going on.
it is really fun when I go batshit. you should probably come watch me sometime when it happens. there is a lot of hyperventilation (which is called that because you hyper-ventilate. like too much breathing. a friend pointed this out the other day and I felt dumb for not realizing it before.) involved, and I get this very strange confused look on my face from thinking too hard. have you ever thought so hard that your brain hurts and you get dizzy? that's what happens to me. I ask why a lot and nothing seems to make sense. confused would be a severe understatement for my mental state when it happens.

also, I am incredibly annoying when having mental breakdowns. the problems that bring them on seem trivial to anyone not in my brain. people who deal with me while I freak out must think I am so overdramatic. I am VERY needy while I am insane. the "problems" are so stupid; there is no reason for me to freak out over such meaningless shit. but I do.
I lose my mind.
once I find it (my mind) again, it generally has a better understanding of things. the breakdowns let me see things clearly once they eventually run their course.

last night when I reclaimed my sanity, I realized that I went crazy because I am too reliant on definitions. I need to learn how to let that go. everyone isn't going to tell me what they are thinking all the time. I will not always understand people's motives or rationale. it's going to be tough because I love definitions.
that probably sounds bad, but it's not. I am entirely unsure how to properly explain what I mean.
I suppose I like very specific definitions and labels. I don't discriminate based on them, I just like to know where everything fits in relation to me. that way I know how to properly interact with them.

also, I decided facebook plays a disgustingly important role in my life. I forget how to interact with people in real life. or did I ever really know how to do that? probably not.
anyway, as of tonight, facebook no longer has control over me. if people want to know me, they can talk to me. I am done.
done done done.
hopefully not using it helps me to stay sane on a more consistent basis.

p.s. clothes suck.