trail mix

What makes me worthwhile? As of yet, nothing. I dwell on what I can do to make it happen, but so far I haven't followed through. Sure, I've read a few books, listened to a few songs, jotted down a few notes, but I didn't follow through. Follow through with what exactly, I have no idea. I just didn't make it work. Maybe there was nothing with enough merit to stick. It makes me sick to think of how unimportant I am; how little I contribute. Even when I write, the words are only my thoughts. Who cares about that? I should be writing about things that other people thought with dashes of my own insightful musings scattered in at appropriate intervals. Maybe it's just that I think I think too much to do that effectively. My thoughts come in a blur and very quickly, and then I can't sort them out enough to figure out what's important. 

Everything's important. Or is nothing important? I can't tell. 

Other people's thoughts sometimes really intrigue me, but other times they interest me less than my own. That sounds terribly selfish. I am terribly selfish. I get lost in my own head. It's not the bad kind of lost, though. It's the kind of getting lost that let's you learn and explore before getting to your intended destination. I love being lost. Especially when it's not in a car. Either in my head or on foot is best. Will someone come get lost in the woods with me for a day or two? Or even just for a few hours. I want to lay in the sun in a place that I have never been to before and probably will never go again. I want novelty. 

I am an (oxy)moron. I live for novelty, but I thrive on routine. I want to get lost and explore, but I take the most efficient routes everywhere. I should stop that. I really do just want to get lost and fill my head with pretty thoughts. I think thoughts are pretty. 

I mull over everything. Sometimes I think about things that I don't even care about. I waste hours thinking about it, and never end up caring any more or less. I never regret getting lost in thoughts about unimportant things or people. All thoughts are worthwhile. 

I think about people, mostly. What they want. Why they do things. Everyone is selfish and has motives behind their actions. It's what the motives are that I want to know. I wish everyone knew that there is nothing wrong with being selfish. I am horribly, disgustingly selfish. Because of that,  I want to know your thoughts. I wish I could collect everyone's thoughts. I love other people's thoughts. They're fascinating. They lead me to new thoughts of my own. I just don't like to write about them too much. I wish I did. I mostly just like to pick through their brain and see where it gets me. It usually ends up coming back to me. How do I relate to this? How does this apply to me? Could I deal with that? I am so very, very selfish. I don't think I mind it though. 

I also care about people. I guess it doesn't really sound like it, but I do. I care a whole lot. Maybe too much. It's just that my thoughts end up back on me most of the time while I am caring. I am confusing and rambling. I do care about you though, even though I am a selfish bitch.